Life sentence
You’ve done everything “right.” You work hard, you push yourself, and yet—something feels off. No matter how much you try to level up, it’s like there’s an invisible wall blocking you. You’re stuck.
This isn’t just self-doubt or a lack of motivation. It’s deeper than that. You’re living under a life sentence—an unconscious belief you’ve carried for years, maybe even decades.
What Is a Life Sentence?
The concept of a life sentence comes from the book The Three Laws of Performance by Steve Zaffron and Dave Logan. A life sentence is a deeply ingrained belief that shapes how we see ourselves and the world. But it’s more than just a belief—it’s a self-imposed verdict that dictates our future.
Here’s how it works: Something happens—a failure, a moment of rejection, a childhood lesson, or even a repeated reward for certain behaviors—and we unconsciously make a decision about ourselves. In that moment, we act as the prosecutor presenting the evidence, the jury deciding the verdict, and the judge delivering the sentence. The worst part? The terms of the sentence are usually indefinite. We carry it forward, reinforcing it through our experiences, often without realizing it.
Until you see it for what it is, it will keep running the show.
Max Fu
Max Fu followed the traditional path of success. Encouraged by his parents and rewarded for academic achievement, he pursued a career in medicine, excelling in school and becoming a surgeon. On paper, he had everything—status, financial stability, and respect.
But something wasn’t right. Despite all his achievements, he felt empty. His life sentence—“I am only valuable when I achieve in the way others expect”—had guided his choices for years. He had followed a script that wasn’t his own.
His breaking point came when he realized that achievement alone wasn’t enough. Medicine wasn’t his passion—it was something he had pursued to meet external expectations. This realization led him to make a bold decision: he left surgery behind and stepped into an uncertain but fulfilling path in filmmaking, marketing, and eventually gaming.
By rewriting his life sentence, Fu was able to embrace his creative identity and build something that felt authentic to him now. His story is a powerful example of how deeply ingrained beliefs can drive us in one direction—until we recognize them and choose a different path.
Where it Began
Life sentences don’t come out of nowhere. They form early, often in childhood, through pivotal moments that taught us how the world works—or at least, how we thought it did.
The Quiet Kid Who Learned to Stay Small
Maybe you spoke up in class and got laughed at. You decided, “It’s safer to stay quiet.” Over time, this became “I don’t have anything valuable to say.” Now, you hesitate to share ideas in meetings, even when you know you’re right.
The Overachiever Who Learned Love Had Conditions
Maybe you only got praise when you brought home straight A’s. You learned, “I matter when I succeed.” As an adult, you feel restless and anxious if you’re not constantly achieving.
The Caregiver Who Learned Their Needs Come Last
Maybe you grew up in a home where you had to take care of others—so you learned, “I am responsible for everyone’s happiness.” Now, you overextend yourself, struggle with boundaries, and feel guilty when you put yourself first.
These beliefs weren’t chosen—they were shaped by experiences and reinforced over time. In many cases, they even served an important purpose. They helped us navigate childhood, earn approval, or keep us safe in difficult environments. The problem arises when these beliefs persist long after they’ve stopped being useful—when they begin limiting instead of protecting us.
The Neuroscience
Why do these beliefs stick so powerfully? It comes down to neuroplasticity—your brain’s ability to rewire itself. When you experience something emotionally charged, your limbic system (the brain’s emotional center) encodes it as important. If it happens repeatedly, your brain forms a pattern, a shortcut: “This is how I survive.”
Over time, confirmation bias kicks in. Your brain starts filtering out anything that contradicts your belief. If you believe “I’m not a leader,” you’ll ignore moments of confidence and zero in on moments of self-doubt. The belief gets stronger, reinforcing itself through repeated experiences. Over time, this belief influences decision-making, risk-taking, and even relationships—causing someone to avoid leadership roles, downplay their successes, or feel paralyzed by self-doubt. The longer this pattern continues, the harder it becomes to recognize that the belief is not an objective truth but a learned perception.
How it Show Up in Adulthood
Most people don’t realize they’re operating under a life sentence because it feels like reality. But here’s some examples of how they might show up:
Avoiding Opportunities – “I’m not creative.” “I can’t take risks.” “I’m not leadership material.”
Overcompensating – “I have to do everything myself.” “I must always be the strong one.”
Perfectionism & Burnout – “I’m only valuable when I achieve.” “Mistakes are unacceptable.”
Struggles in Relationships – “I must keep everyone happy.” “Vulnerability is weakness.”
How to Identify Your Life Sentence
For many people, life sentences are invisible—they feel like reality. The best way to uncover them is to work backward from the results you keep experiencing but don’t like.
Start with the Symptoms
What patterns keep repeating in your life?
What areas of life feel frustrating or stuck?
Example: “I keep getting overwhelmed because I take on too much responsibility.”
Look for the Belief Behind It
What would someone have to believe for this pattern to keep happening?
Example: “If I don’t take control, everything will fall apart.”
Find the Root Cause
When did I first start believing this?
Where did this idea come from?
Example: “Growing up, I had to be the responsible one in my family.”
Rewriting Your Life Sentence
These beliefs helped you at one point—but now, they’re holding you back. Here’s how to rewrite them:
Spot the Sentence
Ask: What belief has been running my life? Where did it come from?
Example: “I must always be in control to be safe.”
Challenge Its Truth
Ask: Is this always true? What evidence contradicts it?
Example: “I’ve handled uncertainty before and been okay.”
Rewrite It
Turn it into something empowering:
“I can trust myself even in uncertainty.”
“I can redefine what success means for me.”
“I am allowed to prioritize joy over external validation.”
“My value is not tied to how much I achieve.”
Take Small, Aligned Actions
If your sentence was “I can’t take risks,” apply for the job, share your idea, take the leap.
If your sentence was “I must always be the strong one,” practice asking for help.
If your sentence was “I can’t fail,” deliberately try something new with the mindset that failure is learning.
If your sentence was “I must always be in control,” experiment with letting go in low-stakes situations and observing the outcome.
Reinforce the New Narrative
Repeat affirmations:
“I am valuable beyond my achievements.”
“I am allowed to receive support.”
“I am worthy even when I rest.”
“I trust myself to make the right choices.”
“I am enough just as I am.”
“I welcome growth and change with an open mind.”
Surround yourself with people who reflect the new belief.
Keep going
Some life sentences will be easy to rewrite as soon as you notice them, while others may take years to fully unpack and reshape. The process is different for everyone, but the key is recognizing that change is possible. You don’t have to stay stuck. The beliefs that got you here don’t have to be the ones that define your future.
