Master the inner game

The Cost of Missing It

It started with a Monday morning check-in.

The product team was already tense. A recent launch had underperformed, the CEO was frustrated, and rumors of blame were circulating like wildfire. The director leading the meeting, let’s call him Mark, walked in with a spreadsheet and a scowl.

He didn’t ask how anyone was doing. He didn’t acknowledge the tension in the room. He went straight into performance metrics, pointing out gaps and demanding answers. Voices tightened. Shoulders pulled back. A silence fell, less the calm before the storm, more the resignation after it.

One engineer spoke up, cautiously: “We weren’t clear on priorities last sprint.”

Mark cut them off. “You should’ve asked.”

By the end of the hour, no problems were solved. No alignment was reached. And no one spoke again unless spoken to.

What failed wasn’t the strategy. It wasn’t the team’s intelligence or work ethic. It was emotional intelligence or the lack of it.

And if you’ve worked under a leader like this, you know the cost.

We tend to overlook something foundational, something that shows up quietly in high-performing teams and erodes silently when it's absent. The thing that separates teams who survive from those that thrive. It’s not their intelligence that sets great leaders apart. It’s their emotional skill.

If you're a leader, emotional intelligence isn't optional. It's the difference between managing work and actually leading people. It's what allows you to create enrollment, build trust, and shape a culture where people can do profound, meaningful work, the kind that drives real impact and lasting results.

Here’s the best part: Emotional intelligence isn’t something you either have or don’t. It’s not a fixed trait, it’s a trainable skill. You can grow it. You can strengthen it. And when you do, it changes everything about how you lead.

Let’s start with what emotional intelligence actually is and how to quickly spot where you’re strong, where you have room to grow. Later, we’ll break down how to build a personal and practical practice of emotional intelligence that you can carry into every room you lead.

The Core of Emotional Intelligence

Emotional intelligence didn’t start in a TED Talk. It started in a psychology lab.

In 1990, Peter Salovey and John D. Mayer introduced emotional intelligence as a form of measurable intelligence, an ability to perceive, understand, and regulate emotion. Five years later, Daniel Goleman brought it into the workplace vernacular, arguing that EI, not IQ, was the greatest predictor of leadership success.

The model evolved, but the core held steady: Emotional intelligence isn’t soft, it’s strategic!  And if you want to lead people, really lead them, you need all five of these muscles:

1. Self-Awareness

In the pilot episode of Ted Lasso, the title character, a relentlessly optimistic American football coach turned British soccer manager, faces his first press conference. The room is packed with skeptical journalists, eager to tear him apart. One reporter calls his hiring "a joke," another questions if he even knows the rules of the game. It's the kind of moment that could easily spiral into defensiveness, anger, or shame.

But Ted stays grounded. He listens. He smiles. And then, with disarming calm, he responds: “For me, success is not about the wins and losses. It’s about helping these young fellas be the best versions of themselves on and off the field.”

That’s self-awareness in motion. He doesn’t deny the tension in the room, he diffuses it with clarity, presence, and purpose.

Self-awareness is the ability to notice your own internal climate in real time. It's the quiet skill of knowing what you're feeling, why you're feeling it, and how it's shaping your decisions, tone, and presence. Not after the fact. In the moment.

It's what keeps a leader from steamrolling a conversation just because they're under pressure. It's what stops a reactive email from being sent. It's what helps you recognize when you're operating from fear instead of clarity.

We often think self-awareness is about confidence or personality type. But in practice, it’s more about noticing. It's the leadership version of listening inward.

Signals you're strong here: You check in with your team when energy feels low, even if no one has said anything. You can ask clarifying emotional questions like “Can you help me understand what you're feeling right now?” without derailing the conversation. You regularly validate someone’s emotional state before offering your opinion. You notice when someone seems off before they say anything. You’re able to hold space in emotionally charged moments. You can reflect others’ feelings without making it about you.

Signals you might be weak here: You’re often surprised by how others perceive you. You can’t always name what you’re feeling. You default to logic when emotional insight is what’s needed to notice your own internal climate in real time. 

2. Self-Regulation

In 2015, during the filming of Inside Out, Pixar director Pete Docter was under intense pressure. The film was already behind schedule. Some storylines weren’t working. The stakes were high, not just for box office success, but for Pixar's reputation of emotional storytelling. In the middle of production, a team member challenged one of Docter’s core scenes in a review session. Tensions were high, and the room braced for backlash.

But Docter paused. He took a breath. And then he asked, “Can you help me see what you’re seeing?”

He didn’t deflect. He regulated. In doing so, he opened space for creativity and trust to re-enter the room. That one moment helped unlock the emotional clarity the film would become famous for.

Self-regulation isn’t about bottling up. It’s the ability to stay with discomfort without letting it control your behavior. It’s the beat between stimulus and response. And it’s where real leadership lives.

It’s what lets you hear hard feedback without shutting down. What keeps you present during conflict. What helps you lead through pressure without passing it on.

Signals you're strong here: You respond instead of react. You can pause when emotions spike. You rarely say “I didn’t mean that” because you take the time to mean what you say.

Signals you might be weak here: You interrupt without meaning to. You often regret your tone more than your message. You struggle to stay calm when emotions are high.

3. Motivation

In the early days of Dyson, James Dyson built 5,127 prototypes of his now-iconic vacuum cleaner. That’s 5,126 failures. He worked for years without a salary, driven not by external rewards or external validation, but by a deep belief that there had to be a better way. He wasn’t chasing a product. He was solving a problem.

This kind of motivation isn’t hype or hustle. It’s intrinsic. It’s rooted in purpose, persistence, and the refusal to give up when progress stalls. And in emotionally intelligent leaders, it shows up not as frantic energy, but as quiet endurance.

Motivation in emotional intelligence is about what fuels you. It’s the fire that sustains hard decisions, long hours, and slow results. It’s the kind of drive that doesn’t fade when things get boring, difficult, or uncertain.

Signals you're strong here: You stay focused even when recognition is slow. You find energy in the mission, not just the milestone. You can lead with conviction even before results show up.

Signals you might be weak here: You lose momentum quickly when praise fades. You chase short-term wins to feel progress. You often need external pressure to stay committed. Your energy only kicks in when there's a deadline, a crisis, or a demand for output.

4. Empathy

When Howard Schultz returned as CEO of Starbucks in 2008, the company was in decline, financially and culturally. Stores had become impersonal, morale was low, and customer trust was fading. Schultz didn’t start with strategy decks. He started with a listening tour.

He visited stores across the country, not to lecture, but to listen. He asked baristas what wasn’t working. He watched how the stores operated. He paid attention to what his people were feeling. And he brought those insights back to the leadership team to help rebuild the company from the inside out.

That’s empathy in action. Not as sentimentality, but as skilled attention to the emotional reality of others and the willingness to respond.

Empathy isn’t about agreement. It’s about attunement. It’s the ability to sense what others are feeling, even if they aren’t saying it. It’s knowing when to push and when to pause. And it’s what transforms performance feedback into growth instead of defensiveness.

Signals you're strong here: You check in with your team when energy feels low, even if no one has said anything. You ask clarifying emotional questions like “Can you help me understand what you're feeling right now?” without derailing the conversation. You validate someone’s emotional state before offering your opinion. You’re able to hold space in emotionally charged moments. You can reflect others’ feelings without making it about you.

Signals you might be weak here: People often feel misunderstood or dismissed around you. You struggle to name others’ emotional states. Most of your listening is to respond, not to understand. You tend to talk more than you ask questions. You focus more on solving than understanding. 

5. Social Skill

In Parks and Recreation, Leslie Knope doesn’t hold the most power in her department, but she’s unmistakably the leader. Surrounded by reluctant coworkers, skeptical city officials, and endless bureaucratic hurdles, Leslie finds ways to rally people around her vision. Not by commanding, but by connecting.

She notices what each person brings to the table. She asks thoughtful questions. She celebrates progress. She negotiates with empathy, and she fuels momentum with clarity and care. Whether it’s Ron Swanson or April Ludgate, Leslie earns trust by showing up consistently, not forcefully.

That’s social skill in action: relational intelligence that builds bridges and moves people forward.

Social skill is the ability to manage relationships, resolve conflict, and move people toward action, not by using authority, but by building connection. It’s knowing how to rally a team without barking orders. It’s turning disagreement into alignment. It’s creating momentum through trust.

Signals you're strong here: You can build rapport quickly in new settings. You navigate conflict without making it personal. You bring people together around a shared purpose, even when they don’t initially agree.

Signals you might be weak here: You rely on authority more than influence. You avoid difficult conversations or escalate them too quickly. You struggle to keep people engaged without formal control.

What Emotional Intelligence Is Not

Before we dive into the science, let’s flip the script.

If emotional intelligence is such a game-changer, why do some leaders claim to have it and still create toxic teams?

Let’s start with a quick story.

A VP once proudly told his team he’d been “reading up on empathy.” The next day, during a company-wide meeting, someone raised a concern about burnout. The VP nodded solemnly and said, “I hear you. That sounds hard.” Then he moved on, without changing a single thing. No follow-up. No change in expectations. Just a nod.

That’s not emotional intelligence. That’s emotional theater.

Here are a few other things emotional intelligence isn’t:

• It’s not people-pleasing. It’s not avoiding hard truths or sugarcoating conflict.

• It’s not manipulation. EI is about attunement and trust, not reading people to get what you want.

• It’s not just being “nice.” Sometimes emotional intelligence looks like holding the line, giving hard feedback, or naming what others won’t.

• It’s not performance. If your empathy ends when it’s inconvenient, it was never empathy.

Emotional intelligence doesn’t mean you always get it right. But it means you show up with awareness and intention. You lead with clarity and care. You take responsibility for your impact, not just your intentions.

Now, let’s look at what’s happening in the brain when you lead with presence instead of pressure.

The Neuroscience of Emotional Leadership

Emotional intelligence isn’t just a leadership buzzword, it’s a biologically rooted advantage.

When we experience strong emotions, our brain’s limbic system (especially the amygdala) is activated. This region processes emotional input faster than the rational brain. That’s why we sometimes react before we think. In emotionally intelligent leaders, the prefrontal cortex, responsible for reasoning and impulse control, stays more active. They can pause. They can choose their response.

This doesn’t mean emotion is the enemy. In fact, high-performing leaders don’t eliminate emotion. They integrate it.

Research shows that emotionally intelligent leaders create environments where others feel psychologically safe. When people feel safe, the brain releases oxytocin, a hormone that fosters trust and connection. Cortisol (the stress hormone) drops. Teams shift out of survival mode and into creative, collaborative problem solving.

Google’s multi-year study, Project Aristotle, backed this up with data. The most effective teams weren’t the ones with the highest IQs or most experience, they were the ones with the highest psychological safety. When people feel safe, they take risks, speak up, and collaborate more deeply. Trust becomes the foundation for performance.

Leaders with high emotional intelligence literally change the brain chemistry of their teams.

They help teams move from:

• Reactive to responsive

• Guarded to open

• Compliant to committed

They create conditions for insight, belonging, and sustained performance, not just in theory, but in neurobiology.

So when I say emotional intelligence is measurable, I mean it. It’s visible in brain scans. It’s traceable in hormone levels. And it’s repeatable in how teams show up when you lead with presence instead of pressure.

This isn’t a soft science, it’s as concrete as knowing fire burns. Ignore it, and you’ll get burned. Resist it, and you’ll keep fighting gravity.

Once you understand how emotion shapes decision-making, trust, and team performance, you don’t get to pretend it’s optional. You have a responsibility, to yourself, your team, and the outcomes you care about, to lead with this awareness. The science is solid. The choice is yours.

How to Build Emotional Intelligence

You’ve probably heard it or said it: “I’m just not good at that stuff.” “I’m not touchy-feely.” “I leave emotions at the door.”

But here’s the truth: as humans we have a fully integrated systems. You don’t leave your emotions at the door, because you don’t leave your nervous system at the door. Emotions show up in every tone of voice, every decision, every meeting, every moment of tension. You’re not avoiding emotion. You’re just deciding whether to lead with it or be led by it.

Take Steph Curry. Before every game, he follows the same routine. Ball-handling drills. Corner threes. Breathwork. Visualization. It’s not just mechanics. It’s mindset. He’s not just training his shot, he’s training his composure, his presence, his rhythm. And when the pressure’s high, it shows.

That’s what high-performance leadership looks like, too. You’re not just executing strategy. You’re managing tone, pace, energy, trust. You’re not just leading people, you’re regulating the climate around them.

If you're a leader, your highest form is an athlete: someone who trains daily, refines their instincts, and never settles for “I’m just not good at that.”

Here are five strategic steps you can use to build emotional intelligence as a daily leadership practice:

1. Practice Real-Time Awareness

Start with micro-check-ins. Ask yourself, “What am I feeling right now?”especially in moments of pressure. If the answer is vague, that’s okay. Build the muscle of noticing.

Try this: Set a timer 3x a day. When it goes off, jot down your current emotional state, how it might be shaping your tone, energy, or focus and what might be driving it. Ask yourself: What am I consciously or subconsciously thinking about right now? What stories am I telling myself that could be fueling this emotion?

Then ask: What are the facts and where might I be making up stories? This helps you separate what’s real from what’s assumed, so you can respond from clarity rather than fear. 

2. Regulate Before You React

Create a pause between emotion and response. This is the space where leadership lives.

Try this: When tension spikes, whether in a meeting or email, pause and reset your system. Breathe in slowly through your nose for 4 seconds, then breathe out slowly through your mouth for 6 seconds. Repeat for at least one minute to calm your nervous system and re-engage your prefrontal cortex.

Additional tools to regulate before reacting:

• Label the emotion: Name what you're feeling (“I’m feeling frustrated” or “I’m feeling anxious”). Research shows that labeling an emotion reduces its intensity.

• Ground through your senses: Notice five things you can see, four you can feel, three you can hear, two you can smell, and one you can taste. This grounds your awareness in the present moment.

• Use a physiological sigh: Take two short inhales through the nose, followed by a long exhale through the mouth. This technique has been shown to rapidly lower stress levels.

3. Reconnect with Intrinsic Motivation

Motivation that endures isn’t about hype, it’s about a deep, internal connection to purpose. Leaders with strong emotional intelligence know how to tap into an inner engine that runs even when recognition is low, when obstacles arise, and when progress feels slow. Reconnecting to intrinsic motivation creates a sustainable source of energy, creativity, and resilience.

Try this:

• Write a Purpose Statement: Craft a one-sentence statement that captures why you do this work beyond titles, metrics, or external approval. Make it personal and clear.

• Create a Visual Anchor: Turn your purpose statement into a visual reminder, a sticky note on your laptop, a phone lock screen, a note in your wallet. Keep it where you can see it daily.

• Develop a Purpose Ritual: Begin or end your workday by reading your purpose statement out loud. Reconnect emotionally to your why.

• Reflect on Peak Moments: List three times you felt deeply proud of your work, times that had nothing to do with promotions, awards, or external accolades. What values were alive in those moments?

• Conduct a Motivation Audit: For one week, note moments when you feel energized vs. moments you feel drained. Look for patterns. Where are you aligned with your purpose? Where are you disconnected?

Building this daily practice keeps your motivation self-powered, anchored from the inside, not dependent on external rewards.

Bonus Insight: When motivation feels low, don't wait for inspiration to strike. Motivation often follows movement. Start small, take one action, however tiny, toward your purpose. Action generates momentum, and momentum reignites connection to your deeper why. Leadership isn’t about waiting until you feel ready, it’s about building rhythms that carry you through both high and low emotional seasons.

4. Train Empathic Curiosity

Empathic curiosity is the discipline of staying open instead of rushing to solve. It’s a core skill for emotionally intelligent leaders, one that transforms conversations from surface-level to truly connected.

When you lead with curiosity, you invite people to reveal what’s really happening beneath the surface. You create psychological safety, strengthen trust, and unlock insights that wouldn’t emerge through quick fixes or assumptions.

Try this:

• Use Open-Ended Questions: In your next 1:1 or team meeting, intentionally ask questions that start with “what” or “how.” Examples: “What’s feeling most challenging right now?” or “How are you experiencing the pace of our work lately?”

• Practice the 80/20 Rule: Aim to listen 80% of the time and talk only 20%. Let silence do some of the heavy lifting.

• Mirror and Validate: After someone responds, briefly mirror back what you heard. (“Sounds like you’re feeling overwhelmed by the shifting priorities, did I get that right?”)

• Stay Curious, Not Corrective: Resist the urge to jump in with a solution. Stay with your teammate’s experience a few moments longer than feels natural.

• End with Empowerment: If needed, gently ask, “What support would feel most helpful to you right now?”, letting them lead the solution.

The goal isn’t to fix emotions. It’s to create a deeper field of trust where solutions emerge naturally.

5. Strengthen Relationship Rituals

Social skill isn’t just about what you say, it’s about building habits of connection over time. High-trust teams don’t happen by accident; they’re shaped through consistent, intentional rituals that foster presence, clarity, and belonging.

In ancient Greece, seekers traveled to the Oracle of Delphi for wisdom. But before they could receive insight, they had to prepare: purification rituals, offerings, reflection. Clarity required presence. The same is true in leadership today, you can’t rush into collaboration without helping people arrive first.

(For a deeper exploration of how ancient wisdom practices like the Oracle of Delphi can inspire modern leadership rituals, you can read more here.)

Try this:

• Open with a Human Check-In: Start meetings by helping the team land emotionally. Try a Gratitude Round (directed or personal), a quick Peace Scale rating (1–10), or a grounding breathwork exercise (4-second inhale, 6-second slow exhale, repeated for 1 minute).  Creating this space not only centers the team for the work ahead, but also builds trust, emotional safety, and a foundation for deeper collaboration and creativity.

• Celebrate Micro-Wins Regularly: Recognition compounds trust. Celebrate small acts of courage, creativity, or collaboration, not just major milestones.

• Close with Clarity: Before wrapping a meeting, ask: “What’s clear and what’s still confusing?” or “What excites you and what concerns you about our next steps?” This surfaces hidden misalignments early.

• Normalize Naming Tensions: Instead of avoiding discomfort, model language like: “I’m noticing some friction here, can we talk about it together?” Naming small tensions early prevents larger breakdowns later.

• Rotate Leadership Moments: Let different team members lead a portion of a meeting, share a personal insight, or kick off a discussion. It signals trust and distributes ownership.

• Reinforce Shared Purpose: Periodically revisit why the team exists beyond tasks. Ask, “What impact are we creating together?”

Small, consistent rituals become the relational glue that holds high-trust teams together.

You don’t need to master all five today. But pick one. Start there. Emotional intelligence compounds, not with perfection, but with practice.

The Ongoing Journey

Emotional intelligence isn’t a box you check. It’s a lifetime practice!

Every conversation, every meeting, every moment of tension is an opportunity to lead with more presence, clarity, and care. Some days you'll feel like you're making huge strides. Other days, you’ll notice how far you still have to go. That’s the work.

Mastery isn’t about never slipping. It’s about slipping less, repairing faster, and helping others rise with you.

As you strengthen your emotional intelligence, you’re not just shaping your own leadership, you’re shaping the emotional reality of the people around you. You’re creating spaces where others can do their best thinking, their best work, and their most courageous growth.

The journey starts with you. But it doesn’t end with you.

Lead the way.